The Journal of Kerry Weaver
by Sarry Hermin
Summary: Dr Kerry Weaver writes a journal entry at the end of every day documenting the events of the day and her thoughts and feelings on everything and anything, no matter how small. This focuses on the entries written after broadcasted episodes along with days in which private life events happen too. Rated T for safety but may change. Please R&R.
1. Welcome Back Carter

_**Disclaimer: I do not own E.R. or any of the characters in the programme, the big boys at NBC do.**_

_**Authors Note: This is my first ever E.R. fic, and it is still a work in progress. It focuses mainly on the episodes which Kerry is in for the time being, but as it progresses, I hope to include 'entries' which are not based upon an episode, but her private life instead. Any feedback would be most appreciated I hope you enjoy this.**_

* * *

**-Chapter One-**

**-Welcome Back Carter-**

21st September 1995

I've finally caught myself a job back here in Chicago as Chief Resident at Chicago County Hospital. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed Africa and I do miss working out there, but I'm glad to be back at the chaos of a county ER. But Chicago County is something under its own description. When I took up the interview two weeks ago, I saw nothing of the ER I was potentially going to be working in, and today it was a total shock that really didn't help my nerves out any, when I walked in to find Dr Greene to confirm my place in the ER, to find it in a whole heap of mess and trouble, with parts of the ceiling on the floor and the air so hot and humid that I'm surprised that none of the patients had keeled over from heat stroke, let alone those who had been working the whole day. It didn't take me very long to find the man that had called me in at such short notice.

Dr Mark Greene was sat at a table in the staff lounge eating what I assume was his lunch. I had had the news channel on in the background as I started to plan my research for my new paper. I'm still undecided on what I could possibly do it on. Perhaps the uniqueness of this ER might help provide me with a little inspiration or maybe even a case or two I can use. Maybe this place'll be good for me. Sometimes I'm glad I can show such a hard exterior, others not so much and finding the middle ground is hard. Don't ask me how I did it, but I managed to hide my nerves and be relaxed and happy. I even had the _audacity_ to steal a few of his fries from his plate! (After asking of course!)

But seriously, I don't know how that place coped with all of those casualties from the shooting today with the mess that it was in. I can't wait to get my hands on that emergency room and do something about it. Roll on one weeks' time when I start re-organising it, let alone once I'm finished. They do however; seem to receive an interesting bunch of patients. As I was leaving there was an old woman in a hospital gown playing the most perfect cello solo I've heard in a long while, it only took me a few seconds to realise that it was the same woman who had been screaming bloody murder when I arrived. Bipolar. She must have been. At least I know each day will hold something new and interesting.

To Be Continued?


	2. Summer Run

_**A/N: Thanks to Sweetbreads for her review and to everyone else who read the first chapter. Here's the second and hopefully I will be able to continue to update on a weekly basis. I hope to receive more reviews with this chapter, they are after all, my cookies :-D**_

_**Any who, enjoy!**_

* * *

**-Chapter Two-**

**-Summer Run-**

28th September 1995

My first day on the job and it was interesting to say the very least! And I can already tell that I'm not liked among the staff. That's probably my own fault though, I wasn't the warmest of people today. I guess I came off kind of cold to the staffers. I argued with Dr Doug Ross, the paediatric specialist in the ER. But there's no surprise there, he's arrogant and selfish with a bad attitude. I gritted my teeth more than once with him. He might look better than people but he sure as hell doesn't act like it. That was the only person who I really clashed with and I think there'll be a lot more of it in store where Doug is concerned. Damned man has already gotten under my skin (and not in a nice way).

Peter Benton. It was a surprise to see him about at the hospital. Last time I saw him he was doing his residency at South Side. I taught him for a while there in emergency medicine. And to find that he had chosen to become a surgical attending was no real surprise, he was never very good under pressure, that seems to have changed, but his bedside manner still stinks. Some things just don't change.

Susan Lewis. Well, I'm not too sure what I think about her yet. I understand that she had a hard time at home with her sister and niece, but I can't have her disrespecting me or ignoring my orders because she feels that I'm in the wrong, I might be new to the hospital, but I wasn't born yesterday. I'm still her boss. Why can't she just accept that? I had to call it on an elderly woman that Susan was working on in trauma because she refused. The woman was DOA and she wasn't going to recover. That should have been clear to her! I had an MVA victim to work on. The poor child needed treatment and I needed the room. It put me in bad steed with her and she with me. But her niece is adorable! And I told her as much when she brought little Suzie in for a check-up. Children. I've always gotten along with them. They're innocent. Pure at heart. Something that is brief and easily lost in life. I saw a lot of broken children when I myself was in Africa. Even as just a child, I spent a lot of time there as both of my parents were wanna-be missionaries. God how I miss them.

And Mlungisi! My goodness, if only he could see me now…

I have to write to him.

Oh, and there's John Carter. Third year resident and a damn good doctor. Not only am I impressed with his ability, even on a thirty-eight hour shift, but he stayed late in the ER helping clear the board and giving a helping hand to the med-students we're babysitting for a while. He's a good man and far too good and quick on his feet to be a surgeon. Perhaps I can convince him to look at emergency medicine when his rotation comes to an end, if not before. We need more good doctors like him in the ER. Not like bloody Doug Ross…

And I can't forget Dr Mark Greene, the man who gave me this job. I'm still not too sure about him. He's good in a trauma though. I even let him leave a little early to catch his train home. As a person, I haven't seen much of him, although I can tell that he is well like and respected among the staff. If only that were me. I think I was a little scary for the staff. I'm different. In more ways than one I think. I've already caught many of the nurses there tip-toe around me as if I'm touched, I'll collapse. This damn leg! Every time I get a new job I have to deal with the stigma of walking with a crutch. They'll soon learn how strong I am though. I might seem cold and demanding but I'm a person beneath it all. I know that. I just need to let off a little I think, just not yet. If I do, it'll probably be to a nurse despite that they think having me about will be a bumpy ride.

But those nurses are the best I've ever worked with. And I think I've bridged that gap more than any other today. It is already a problem of doctor ignorance when it comes to writing orders. The short hand is messy and tacky and I struggle to read and understand most. Susan is the exception to this, so I've decided that this is one thing that has to be sorted out. Along with orders being written there and then and not three hours later. That'll both improve patient care, shorten formal rounds and make the job easier for the nurses. There are other things that I want to improve; such as the cleanliness of the staff lounge. That refrigerator was a mess until I threw out all of the old stuff. There was plenty of room for other things now. I've even ruled it so that residents can clean up after procedures. They're going to hate me for that. But hey, I don't care, I've already been labelled as a bumpy ride! And this was only my first day! Nobody really like me. I'm trying not to let it get to me. Perhaps that'll get easier with time.

To Be Continued...


	3. Do One, Teach One, Kill One

_**A/N: Here you go guys! You're weekly update! Perhaps I should mention now that all the chapters are all of varying lengths as it's not always possible to right the same amount for each 'entry'. Thanks for the reviews and I hope you continue to enjoy this. Please please send me any thoughts (good or bad) to help me improve. X**_

* * *

**-Chapter Three-**

**-Do One, Teach One, Kill One-**

5th October 1995

What a day! I'm starting to get the feeling that his is how every day is going to be at this place. Each shift brings a new surprise or two, and if I'm lucky my adrenaline gets a good kick and I have fun doing what I love. Treating patients. Unfortunately, today was just a day full of butting heads with Susan and Mark. Both are far too stubborn for their own good. On occasion it's fun to watch the pair of them and it's good for the patients, but today it was damn right frustrating. And to think I was trying to help Susan out.

Dr Lewis lost the custody battle for her niece just two days ago, so I thought by taking the four month old baby that came into trauma today from her, that I was helping her deal with things a little, but she wouldn't let up! I even signed her up for four patients just before she clocked on to help her keep busy and her mind occupied, but that only seemed to piss her off. I don't get it! What do these people want? I try to be sensitive and I get it thrown back in my face, yet I be the boss and stay professional and I get called a bitch behind my back. I get it that I'm still the newest person here, but I would have thought they would have at least have started to warm up to me by now. I have spoken to Mark about Susan, but friends stick together, I guess. I don't think that either of them particularly like my ruling of Susan having to run all of her orders by me and having her charts also checked by me. I have to monitor her. She likes to defy me.

"We can help the patient, but not fix the problem."

I try to go by that phase as often as possible. It rarely helps to get involved in a patient's family problems. It took defiance in the trauma room for me to snap. All day we had been at each other's throats but it wasn't until we forgot ourselves in front of a patients' mother, did Mark decide to step in. in front of Susan he backed me up 100% on any action I thought would be necessary. And then he had the audacity to contradict himself when we were alone, and that he would stand up for his team. They're my team too! I was just trying to help Susan out a little.

It took me a while to put my walls back up and when I did, I put a computer program on the admit desk giving audio instructions to whoever was using it… in my own voice. It was good to see Susan shout her curse against me before laughing and smiling. I caught her eye from the exit and nodded to her with a slight smile on my face. It was a relief to see her nod back. Maybe now I've shown I can play a prank I'll have a professional ally, or at least someone who will sometimes listen to what I have to say. After all, she is a good person.

To Be Continued...


	4. What Life

_**A/N: I'm sorry about the slight delay in posting this chapter. It's the last week of the semester at university and exams are coming fast. Anyway, thank you all for reading and reviewing. I hope you enjoy this chapter :)**_

* * *

**-Chapter Four-**

**-What Life-**

12th October 1995

It was beautiful this morning. I awoke at the crack of dawn as per usual and the sunrise that welcomed me when I pulled back the curtains was stunning. For a brief moment I wished I had someone to share the sight with. But I pushed down the feeling quickly and got on with my morning routine with a little shimmer of hope that todays' shift would be much calmer than usual. But things just went from bad to worse.

First I had to deal with Susan and her dress code. I would have thought that a doctor of her experience would know by now how to dress appropriately for work. Wearing loopy ear rings and low cut tops to work is wrong. We're supposed to make patients feel like they can trust us and be comfortable with us. Looking like that doesn't help. And my saying so to her seemed to piss her off once more. A great start to the shift. Swiftly followed by me pushing Susan out of trauma. Looking back now, I don't know why I did it, other for the fact that she had knocked my hip causing it to flare up. Same thing happened with Doug but over rooms. Just thinking about that man riles me up at the moment. Thank God Mark stepped in and took me to cool down. After that I managed to get a few hours of peace as I got through my patients and paperwork until my hip was so bad that I needed to take a break in the lounge with a heat pack.

I walked into the staff lounge expecting it to be fairly empty, but to find that almost every member of staff from the ER were sat together watching Doug bloody Ross, who was stood in the centre of the room doing an impression of me and my walk. The surrounding people were laughing. Don't get me wrong, I'm used to being laughed at for my stature, but never before like what Ross did today. I quickly grabbed a heat pack from by the couch and headed out of the room as quick as my hip would carry me. I felt horrible. I can't think of another way to describe it. I know that none of them get along with me, or even like me, but I didn't expect to feel like I was back in high school. Needless to say that once I had gotten my feelings under control, that I was rather ruthless. Perhaps I shouldn't have been, but I can't and won't let them get to me and to see my personal side. I have to stay reserved and hidden at the very least for the time being. Maybe just for this first year?

And with my pain being no better, I butted heads with Susan, Mark and Doug, to a point where Mark criticized me in front of a resident, which just so happened to be no less than Susan Lewis! But I'm telling you, having to get a mans' arm out of an industrial compressor let me blow off a little steam. I had to use all of my weight on the bloody thing, and when all of that weight had landed on my right leg, he was freed and I nearly collapsed. I was thankful at being able to climb into this wonderfully warm bath at home and write (although the water is starting to chill now).

With any luck tomorrow will be easier. If I can walk that is…

To Be Continued...


	5. And Baby Makes Two

_**A/N: For a while I'll be posting two chapters a week, one on a Wednesday and one on a Sunday. Thanks for the reviews guys and I hope you all continue to enjoy it. I apologise for the shortness of this chapter, the next one is longer. x**_

* * *

**-Chapter Five-**

**-And Baby Makes Two-**

19th October 1995

It was finally my day off! And it was wonderful! It has been so long since I have been able to just sit and read or research or even relax. I loved the peace and quiet of my own home where there's no charts or patients to worry about. I think I should start having more than one day off in a blue moon. But I don't think I could get used to this. Maybe I could drag myself out with everyone from work one night…

On the other hand, there were moments where I was worried about the ER. I shouldn't have been, but God knows what that lot has gotten up to in my absence. It's probably going to take me my whole shift tomorrow to sort the charts out. Jerry was probably eating at the admit desk. There's a high chance Chuni baked a cake and … right now the staff are most likely using the regular lull in patients to dance in chairs. We'll see how right I am in the morning. Either way today was good and well deserved.

20th October 1995

I'm pulling a double today, so I'm using my break to say; I was right! The gossip amongst the nurses when I arrived this morning was rife and I managed to squeeze each and every detail out of Chuni, Lydia and Carol. Weren't they surprised when I laughed a little at their antics of the previous day before going back to my work. They now think I'm crazy. Better that than a bitch, right?

To Be Continued...


	6. Days Like This

_**A/N: Thanks for the reviews guys. They're like cookies to me :)**_

* * *

**-Chapter Six-**

**-Days Like This-**

2nd November 1995

Chaotic, painful but otherwise pleasant. A very good day in the ER. Chaotic because it was busy and our limited space and resources were stretched. I must try to get more funding. Painful because I was assaulted by a patient. And pleasant because I got through a whole day without arguing with any of the staff. Not even Doug or Susan.

We had a new member of the team start today. Jeanie Boulet, a physician assistant. It'll be good having her about, she seems to know what she's doing. She was punctual and she passed each question I set to her and she even seemed to get along with the staff. Even though I could tell she was nervous about starting with us.

"It's a vaguely welcoming place. My first day was certainly a bundle of open arms."

That's how I summed up my first day in the ER almost two months ago. I'm pretty sure I was being sarcastic and maybe even trying to joke with her, but I think she took it seriously. Oh well, she's nice enough. A PA with a steady hand and good eye. The stitches she did on my ear after I was pushed to the floor are near on perfect. My first proper ally I think.

An there's Randi too. I get along with her as well, but she's never been on my bad side. I even took part in some of the nurses chatter at the admit desk. They wanted to know what Randi had done time for as she handled herself well when defending me with my own crutch. Turns out (after I asked her) that she did time for assault, carrying a concealed weapon and aggravated maim. What a list! She's another nice one though. Takes no shit from anyone and understands that I don't either, unlike Jerry. Although I did let him order a burger and fries and eat them at the desk. His face (and those around him too) was priceless. I think they're starting to warm up to me now, either that or they've just resigned to the fact that I'm not going anywhere any time soon. I'm here to stay.

Sign language is something I learned as a small child to help out others in Africa and until today, I haven't used it in years. I'm impressed with myself that I've remembered so much. I guess I'm a little rusty, even though the teenager that came through the trauma doors didn't think so. After that little incident I was told by almost everyone in the room that I could have gone into pediatrics because I'm so good with children. I'd love to work with them every day and I'd even like to have one of my own someday. But I've found that walking with a crutch often scares children or makes them uncomfortable. Damn thing! Nor will I even entertain the idea of having a child of my own because to do that you have to be involved with someone, but I am not. I am alone.

To Be Continued...


	7. Home

**A/N: I'm sorry for the shortness of this chapter. Thanks for the reviews guys, they really do make my day**.

* * *

**-Chapter Seven-**

**-Home-**

7th December 1995

I think I'm going soft. My mask dropped to an all-time low today. Do I regret it? No. Should I? _No_. I helped Susan with a career choice. Allowed Carol to clean and feed a psyche patient as he already had a bed and I even stayed to cover marks' shift.

Poor mark. I do so hope his wife and daughter are okay after the car accident. And I hope that Mark's okay too. I saw the blind panic and concern on his face and showing clearly through his eyes when he got the call. It kind of makes me relieved that I don't have anyone close enough to me to cause that sort of emotion. Except Mlungisi. I wrote to him during my break and sent it off on my way home. I hope he gets it before Christmas. The damn mailing service is terrible. Anyway, I don't believe that I'm close enough to anyone for them to worry like that about me.

Why is it that I always seem to write about being alone?

The staff seems to be okay with me now, though.

To Be Continued...


	8. A Miracle Happens Here

_**A/N: Merry Christmas! And I'm sorry for the delay guys! Thanks for the reviews :-)**_

* * *

**-Chapter Eight-**

**-A Miracle Happens Here-**

24th December 1995

What a Christmas this is going to be! Especially if today is anything to go by. It was nice to find carollers from the fourth floor down in the ER singing to everyone when I walked in this morning. It set a nice atmosphere for us all to continue the day in high spirits. And we all did so. Even the nurses who were all pissed at Carol for having signed everyone in the ER to sing up in the ICU at the end of the shift. I wasn't too thrilled with the idea, but we all pulled together in the end. We all sang badly and out of tune, but it was kind of fun to do it. Merry Christmas to the staff of ICU from the staffers of the ER!

And a very merry Christmas to me. Mlungisi arrived in the ER to see me! I had no idea that he was coming into the country, let alone to see me. I was so happy that I ran straight up to him and kissed him on the lips like I used to so many times before in Africa. I've missed him so very much over the years. And he's staying for Christmas. He's full of surprises. I wish i could have taken a photo of the faces of my colleagues as they watched me passionately kiss my always love. I even introduced him to them as Mlungisi before going and spending my half an hour break with him.

_Flashback_

_We walked down the corridor together with one of his arms wrapped tightly around my waist as he supported my weight, just like he always did back in Africa. It's nice to have someone to lean on._

_"I got your letter in the post a few days ago."_

_"You did? I thought it would take longer."_

_"I'm glad it didn't. You really should write to me more, Kerry."_

_"I'll try, if you'll do the same."_

_"I shall."_

_We smiled at each other and his usual sparkle in his eye was so much brighter now that we were alone. I led him straight to Doc McGoos where I knew we would be left alone for the duration of my break._

_We sat next to each other at one of the more secluded booths and ordered coffee. He slipped one arm around my shoulders and the other over my waist bringing me into his side where I relaxed and rested my head on his shoulder._

_"I've missed you Kerry," he whispered deeply in my ear, his lips brushing lightly against my lobe, causing me to shiver slightly. It felt so good._

_"I've missed you too." I closed my eyes and sighed, taking in his warmth, feel and scent, submitting it all to memory once more. "What have you got planned for Christmas?"_

_"I was hoping you'd have me."_

_"I will."_

_"Good." He placed a kiss to my forehead. "What time do you finish?"_

_"Six."_

_"Want me to wait around?"_

_"No, I'll give you the keys to my house when we go back to the hospital. You can settle in and then come and meet me at the end of my shift. There's no point waiting around for five hours."_

_Mlungisi nodded, surrendering to my logic._

_We sat in silence for a while sifting through our own thoughts while we waited for our drinks. When they arrived the conversation flowed easily between us until our mugs were empty._

_He easily and gently lifted me to sit in his lap and I smiled widely at him. I wanted nothing more than to skip the rest of my shift and go home with the gorgeous man in front of me._

_End Flashback_

What a day! And what a Christmas it's going to be this year.

To Be Continued...


	9. Dead of Winter

_**A/N: Sorry for the delay and shortness of this chapter. Thanks for all the reviews and support. Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and that you enjoy this :-)**_

* * *

**-Chapter Nine-**

**-Dead of Winter-**

4th January 1996

My mind is blank. Today has really been that bad that I have had to block it from my brain. But my efforts don't seem to be working. I can't sleep.

The images of all eighteen neglected children keep showing on the back of my lids. I hadn't seen such … terrors, since Africa. I guess I had started to hope that I wouldn't see anything like it in Chicago, much less at County. Those poor children.

I'm glad, for once, that everyone pulled together as a team. I couldn't have treated them all, let alone try and pull the staff together as well. I chose to look after the youngest child, a six month old little girl, who was only half the weight she should be, she was so very light in my arms, and looked so very small and vulnerable. Something inside me broke while I saw her clinging to me tightly, despite all the tubes and medication, so much so that I was reluctant to let her go up to PICU. I took her myself in the end. And before I left the hospital, I sat with her. Will I do so again tomorrow? I hope so.

I don't think my heart can take much more. It's getting so very hard to keep up my barriers at work, and I have no-one to share my problems with.

To Be Continued...


	10. It's Not Easy Being Greene

**-Chapter Ten-**  
**-It's Not Easy Being Greene-**

1st February 1996

Applications for next years' chief resident have been sent out today to everyone who expressed an interest. I'll admit, the pool isn't all that great. Except for Susan. I know she's interested but she hadn't put her name forward for it and despite my many methods of persuasion, I still don't know if she has, despite my many methods of persuasion. I think she'd be a really good chief, even with looking after little Suzie. Yes there comes a lot of paperwork and extra responsibility, but the pay is good. I think she'd enjoy being chief, after all, she does like to defy orders on a regular basis. I pulled out all the stops today. Did it help? I hope so. Does she like the fact that I acted as her mentor today? I know she didn't, but in her credit, she didn't let it show, at least not to me.

As her mentor I observed her in trauma. And I was impressed! She took control and even put me to work, questioning me as she worked. I felt like a med student once more. At the end of the shift I bumped into her in the lounge.

_Flashback_

"_Hi Susan."_

"_Kerry."_

_I turned from my locker to look at the taller blonde doctor. "You did well today."_

_Susan took a deep breath and turned to me with her coffee clutched tightly in her hands. "I need you to back off."_

"_What-"_

"_I can't work with you constantly watching over my shoulder and double checking everything that I do."_

"_Okay."_

"_I – what?"_

_Her surprise made me chuckle. "That's the first time I've seen you act as chief." I smiled at her and headed out._

_End Flashback_

And it really was the first time I've seen her act as chief. She's got what it takes, if only she'd listen to me.

I will back off, or at least try to do so. Whatever helps her I guess…

To Be Continued...


	11. Baby Shower

_**A/N: Sorry for the shortness of this chapter, but there is still plenty more to come :-) Thanks for the reviews and I'm glad you're all enjoying it! xx**_

* * *

**-Chapter Eleven-**

**-Baby Shower -**

15th February 1996

Damn sprinkler system! When we want it to work it fails, when we don't need it, it won't turn off. My ER was turned into a maternity ward today as all the patients had to be moved from the quickly flooding area. All parents and new born babies were moved to peads, while we received the expectant mothers. And it's not like we had a choice either! Coburn just brought them down with no warning. Argh! Trying to run an ER around pregnant women with only a few of the maternity staff helping out is not something I'm going to do again anytime soon.

But I guess it was worth it. Usually it is so rare for us to have 'happy' cases within the trauma room that being able to help give birth to children. It is much better than cracking open their chests. I love working with children. I drew a few funny looks from some of the staffers. Maybe they weren't in bad spirits though? Maybe it was just happiness at the new life that had been brought into the world. I want to think that is much more likely than them being surprised that I have feelings. I find that my mask is slowly slipping within work. I'm not sure what to think about it. It's my main form of defence, always has been. It's kind of unnerving.

But in saying that, I did take part in Connies' baby shower at the end of the shift over at Doc Magoos. It was a little fun. I turned up with Carol, who seems to have warmed to me a little. The celebration of new life is always something that I have enjoyed taking part in. and now, I think I at least have professional allies in which I can take part in. Friends? Perhaps one day…

To Be Continued...


	12. A Shift in the Night

_**A/N: Hi guys! Here's another chapter for you all :) Unfortunately I have started back up at University now and have a crazy schedule. Update will now come once a week and I will work on making the chapters longer for you all. I hope you enjoy this x**_

* * *

**-Chapter Twelve-**

**-A Shift in the Night-**

4th April 1996

What a hectic day! Not in the way of people, I can handle that without a problem, but paperwork! It's just piled up over the last few weeks, and being so short staffed has meant that I've needed to pull more clinical hours. I'm clocking more than anyone else and when I ask for help, I get stone walled. There really are days when I resent my own ambition to become one of the best.

In light of the staff, they had very relevant reasons for why they hadn't turned up for their shifts. I had no choice but to call Mark back in. He wasn't best impressed, and I can sympathise with that, it was after all, his fourth graveyard shift in a row. If I had another choice I would have taken it. Even if it meant putting the paperwork off once more. But I had a presentation to complete. Damn Morgenstern for moving the date forward!

Why I had to call Mark in:

Doug Ross … whiplash … questionable

Hanson … grandmother died … acceptable

Peter Benton … marathon surgery … no way I could pull him out

Elizabeth Corday … covering the whole surgical ward … I'm not insane enough to cross Robert Bloody Romano

Mark Greene … at home after his third graveyard shift … I wish there was another option

Susan Lewis … sick but already on the floor … I couldn't leave her on her own

John Carter … third year surgical resident … already helping out

No problem with the nursing staff … Carol keeps them under control

*sigh*

Come 8 o'clock this morning I had managed to finalise the presentation and even fit in a few traumas during my 'breaks'.

Morgenstern did show his appreciation in the end though. Was it all worth it? Perhaps not. But it's something else that seems to fuel my fire (in my professional life anyway).

I don't have anyone to fuel my personal fire. Perhaps I need to take up a hobby…

Anyway, my body is telling me to go and get some sleep, or at least a little rest before my shift tonight. My brain is telling me to continue to write my heart out or throw myself into my outstanding paperwork, some of which I know is overdue.

I'll try and hide from Robert tomorrow. I don't need him on my back about it all. He seems to think he can intimidate me, but until he's chief of staff, then he had no control over me. Ha ha! Oh the things I can do to annoy him…

To Be Continued...


	13. Fire in the Belly

_**A/N: Thanks for the reviews guys :) They're like cookies to me. Hope you enjoy this one. x**_

* * *

**-Chapter Thirteen-**

**-Fire in the Belly-**

25th April 1996

And the fun has started! All with Morgensterns' approval of course. But I think I would have done it any way. Oh Lord help me, I'm turning into Susan. Only the staff don't like it when _I_ do it.

Today is a type of training exercise (and to annoy Robert). I had a few cameras placed in trauma one so that all traumas could be recorded. We need to improve on a few things. We get the job done, and exceedingly well, but like all teams we have our weaknesses. But that wasn't the fun bit. I had everyone meet in the room at the end of the shift to watch a bit of playback.

*smirk*

I started with Carters' trauma that came in this morning. Nothing too big, just a slow moving MVA, but still a trauma. There was very little wrong with it, and I made a point of telling everyone that, but Carter wiped his nose on the back of his glove before continuing on with a procedure. Carters' face when he saw it! Bless. He must have thought I was going to put him in detention by the look on his face. I guess I tried to make the point of it was a reckless thing to do by replaying the motion over and over again, but it just made us all smile. It was worth it to see them all chuckle. I was having a fairly good time, even fifteen minutes later when I started to search through the tape, listening to the light relaxed chatter surrounding me. It wasn't a trauma that caught my eye a minute later though … Doug and Mark looking cosy …

"_I've never been with anyone other than Jenn, Doug. Help me out here…"_

He he! Poor man! I would never have thought that he would hadn't had more. And to be asking _Doug_ for advice? Is he mad? Well maybe not, but they _are_ friends.

_Flashback_

_I stopped the tape when I came across Doug and Mark having a conversation loud enough for the cameras. The rest of the room went silent, all the attention focused on the small screen in the centre of the room._

"_I like her Doug, what do I do?"_

"_What do you mean? It's just like high school."_

_Mark shook his head. "No."_

"_Wait have you never…"_

_Marks' cheeks were slightly tinged as he looked at Doug with a raised eyebrow._

_Doug chuckled. "You've never been with anyone?" it was a rhetorical._

"_No Doug."_

"_So…only Jenn…"_

"_Thanks for the advice, Doug." Mark stormed out no longer interested in talking about his love life._

_Doug spun on his heels and went to leave when he spotted something out the corner of his eye. He looked up and smirked at the camera realising exactly what had just happened,_

_End Flashback_

Maybe I shouldn't have stopped … hell, what am I saying? I wanted a bit of fun. *wide smile* and it was. Marks' face was a picture! But I'm glad men with morals haven't completely gone extinct yet.

After almost an hour, we'd gone through everything. Carol and a few of the other nurses stayed to talk with me for a short while before leaving for home.

Is this what it's like to be making friends?

To Be Continued...


	14. Fevers of Unknown Origin

_**A/N: I'm so sorry for the delay, being back at Uni means having a hectic and often unpredictable schedule. I'm also sorry for the shortness of this chapter. Updates should be every Sunday for the time being. Hope you all enjoy and thank you for the reviews :-)**_

* * *

**-Chapter Fourteen-**

**-Fevers of Unknown Origin -**

2nd May 1996

Resident of the year award… Every year I have hoped to get it. I have three. And this year was like no other. I have worked my ass off and this'll be the only recognition I get for it. Or would have. Peter got it this time 'round. I'm not going to lie, I'm glad he got it. He has done a lot for the hospital over the years that he has been there verses my oneish. To show my good attitude to him, I attended his little congratulations party in trauma two. It was actually kinda fun. With food, music and colleagues. I smiled so much and I congratulated Peter too. That drew a funny look form Mark, but I can't find it in myself to care at the moment. I'm fully aware of what he thinks of me and I can handle it now, as long as it's not verbalised too much.

I'm getting along with Susan better. Her work ethic today was brilliant! Not that it isn't always, but she seemed to have thrown herself in. and it worked for her too. She discovered an abdominal mass in a pregnant woman that anyone else (including myself) would have missed. It was a good pick up! I really think she should consider teaching. She could teach the rest of us a thing or two, let alone the amount she could teach the interns and med students. I said as much to Susan and Mark. She really should be thinking about expanding a little. It'd do her some good.

I still think Susan should be chief resident.

To Be Continued...


	15. Take These Broken Wings

_**A/N: So sorry for the late update guys, assignments have started to come in :S Hope you're all still enjoying this. I welcome any comments :) And thanks for reviewing, fav'ing and following. Xx**_

* * *

**-Chapter Fifteen-**

**-Take These Broken Wings –**

9th May 1996

The discussion on Susan becoming chief has continued between myself and Mark. I am more than willing to support Susan in any way I can. Mark thought that I had an ulterior motive, up until that point I hadn't. I didn't want to spoil his image of me, so I found one. I support Susan as chief, he supports me as an attending. He agreed without hesitation! I was expecting at least a little fight from him, seeing how much he dislikes me. That was the only good part of the day…

A six month old baby as brought in seizing and not breathing. It's hard enough to work on such a young child when you have no emotional connection, but when Susan began to work on her, I chose to draw the line. After just losing the custody battle over little Suzie, I didn't feel it was right to let her continue. I pushed her out of the trauma room. She'll thank me for it later. I'm trying my hardest to help Susan out. I get that she may not want the help, but I feel as a colleague I must try and support her, this is the only way I know how. I did the same thing when a baby came in after being shaken by its mother. I hope she got the message.

And if I haven't already written it down then, "We can't solve the problem, but we can take care of the child." It pains me to say so as I do so wish that we _could_ solve the problem too, but I must distance myself...or who knows what sort of trouble I'll get myself into...

Oh! And poor Jeanie. The one person I consider a friend from within the E.R. and I have to give her some bad news. I treated her husband, Al, today for HIV that presented as a chest infection. He didn't want to tell her. He wanted to leave her in the dark. He could been positive for years and he was going to continue to put her at risk! I couldn't stand by as a doctor nor, more importantly, a friend, and watch her get hurt. I managed to get a hold of her before she left for the day and told her. I suggested that she too was tested for it. I saw the reluctance in her eyes and hope to God that she would take my advice. I'm going to keep an eye on her I think.

*sigh*

To Be Continued...


	16. John Carter, MD

_**A/N: Sorry for the delay once more. I know I'm terrible at timing. I know this is short but a second chapter will be posted this week :-) I'm hoping to be able to post two chapters of this a week. Thanks for the reviews! And I do so hope you're continuing to read and enjoy this. x**_

* * *

**-Chapter Sixteen-**

**-John Carter, M.D.-**

16th May 1996

Today was the day! Mark finally decided to support my application to become an attending and the chief resident position was chosen. Susan was offered the job but turned it down without telling anyone. I was too hyped on being given the attending position that I was after. I was so excited (and still am) that I let myself get carried away with thinking of ways to improve the department.

It wasn't supposed to become common knowledge that I am the new attending. I don't officially start until the end of the next month. Mark cracked under the collective pressure of the nurses. I know what it's like to be cornered by the group, I found it so hard not to crack under the pressure and give them what they were after. I guess Mark couldn't hold it together. The news was well received. I don't know what I was expecting. I guess I held a little hope that at the very least they wouldn't really be all that bothered.

After I heard about the slip, I toned down my enthusiasm and threw myself into the vast amount of patients that were quickly building up. And a bounce back new born didn't help the situation.

The child should never have been sent home in the first place! I agreed with Susan and Carol on that. We were actually having a productive conversation on the treatment on the baby when we were interrupted by a patient. It wouldn't have been too bad, but this patient was an elderly lady who had stripped naked, found us at the admit desk and stood singing without a hint of consciousness. Try as we might me couldn't hold our smiles and chuckles in. I'll hand it to her though, she definitely broke the tension that was starting to set in.

I'm here to stay at County and everyone's going to have to accept it…

To Be Continued...


	17. Doctor Carter, I Presume

_**A/N: The second chapter as promised. Another to come soon. x**_

* * *

**-Chapter Seventeen-**

**-Doctor Carter, I presume-**

26th September 1996

A 24 hour shift with no sleep and I'm back to feeling like a med-student. I thought those days were over *sigh*. And it started off as a good shift. Jeanie told be today that her HIV test came back negative. I'm happy for her, but there's something niggling at me at the back of my mind. She was with Al for so long and the chance of her _not_ having contracted HIV from him is slim. I want to see the results for myself, but I want to trust her enough to know that she wouldn't lie to me. She's my only friend within the department and I don't want to lose her because I'm insecure.

I changed the layout of the board today. Why? I thought it would work a little better even though it wasn't well received. I've often looked at the board since I started at County and not thought too much of it, until I realised on my way home yesterday that the names and conditions of each and every patient that we're treating can be seen by anyone who reads the board. That's why i decided to code the board using social security numbers and abbreviations for conditions. It doesn't to appear to have gone down too well, in fact, it wouldn't surprise me that when I go in tomorrow morning it'll all be back to 'normal'.

Carter started his surgical rotation today and Peter put him on call for the ER and night shift. His attitude towards the nurses was terrible; they are the ones that make the department run. Even _I _don't upset the nurses. If I do, I quickly correct it. And if it wasn't his attitude that made Helah and the other night shift nurses to keep him up, then I don't know what it was. I gave him some advice that he should take and always keep in mind; "Say sorry immediately, even if you don't know what you're saying it for, even if you didn't do anything, say it anyway." He's going to make a great doctor one day. Not a surgeon, but a doctor. Maybe even an ER Doc, he thinks well on his feet.

It was a busy day but all in all a good one. I'll sleep well now…

To Be Continued...


	18. Let the Games Begin

_**A/N: Another chapter for my wonderful readers. Enjoy! x**_

* * *

**-Chapter Eighteen-**

**-Let the Games Begin-**

3rd October 1996

Cook County Hospital is staying open! Do I need to express my happiness any more than that? Over the years there have been many debates and budget cuts effecting hospitals all across the County, but never before have I been working at one that has come so close to being shut down. It has been all that the nurses at the admit desk have been talking about and even us doctors have said a few words about it here and there when we have all been stood together. But I guess that with Southside closing in two weeks, it'll have a knock on effect with our patient in take. We're already short staffed, under paid and lacking the needed space to efficiently deal with the large number of people that come through the doors.

After the 5 o'clock meeting with the board, the staffers partied in the department along with the new chief of staff Donald Anspaugh. His research works are amazing and I've enjoyed the few lectures of his that I have attended, but David doesn't like him. I'm going to try and reserve my judgement for a little while and see where he takes the hospital. He did wonders at Southside and could prove to be a good move for County.

I was so tempted to join in with the party at the admit desk. I could hear the music coming through the doors and the beat was starting to make my good foot tap on the floor. Instead I decided to stay with David and talk to him. He was so down and even a little pissed that Anspaugh was the new chief and I was idiot enough to agree to go out with him! Stupid. _Stupid_. _Stupid_! It was so awkward and something that I'm never going to repeat again. What has gotten in to me! There was a time not too many days ago that I was complaining about being alone and when the chance comes to spend some time with someone, I'm too busy thinking of a way to get out of something that I should never have gotten in to in the first place. Thank goodness I refused the lift home. God knows what I would have done if he had tried to bed me. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that under normal circumstances he would, but in need of comfort anything could happen and I don't think I could bring myself to do anything like that. It was bad enough that he tried to kiss me at the end of the movie.

What on Earth is wrong with me? I need to make up my mind on what I want and grasp each opportunity I have with both hands. I could have had a great one night of comfort out of the events today with David.

To Be Continued...


	19. Don't Ask, Don't Tell

**-Chapter Nineteen-**

**-Don't Ask, Don't Tell-**

10th October 1996

Maggie Doyle started in the ER today. She's an intern from Southside and seems to know her stuff. I was quiet happy to allow her to do her own thing and report to one of the three attendings on shift. And we needed the extra help from her and any others that are helping out while they wait for other positions or are on transfer from Southside. Alongside this Anspaugh confirmed my suspicions of a patient increase only he said it was going to be 30%. Not going to happen. It's going to be more than that. Has he ever worked in an ER or does he just crunch the numbers now? When was the last time he worked on a proper patient and not an unconscious surgical candidate. And now each doctor earns points for every patient they see, what a _great_ idea... He wants each of us to see 2.5 patients an hour. This isn't going to last the rest of the week, even if it is good fun to try and compete with the other doctors in a fairly positive way. I think it was a draw between myself and Susan. Poor Mark got caught doing paperwork all day and ended up with his only patient being a vegetable. I wish I could be there to see him wax Anspaugh's car!

But, the only reason that Mark ended up being last in this little 'competition' was that Anspaugh decided that I was doing too much of the administration duties. That's why they hired me for God's sake! To do the administration work. Mark's good with the staffers, I mean really good with them and he as a life too. I don't have a life, nor am I popular with the staff, or at least, not as much as what he is. I've always done the paperwork that has been asked of me in a quick and accurate way. And Mark has always been good with handling the issue of staff. I've never received any complaints from anyone in the upper levels of the hospital. And I think I kind of enjoy doing the entire behind the scenes work. I've never really thought about it before. But I must say, it was good to have so much extra time to spend with patients and there seemed to be a little less on my mind for the shift. But I'm sure that'll soon change once Anspaugh gets fed up with having the chase Mark for the reports and charts all the time. And I'm not going to be the one to chase him, I have had enough of having to do that to get him to give a second opinion on a patient if deal with attending matters.

Now, coming away from Mark and work, I'm worried about Jeanie. Really worried. I've been watching her closely for a few weeks now and her behaviour is really starting to grate on me. I've noticed that she's been hesitating when using sharps with children and she's been jumpy in the trauma room. And add Peter Benton to the mix and you have me with frayed nerves and a friend that clearly had something of her chest that Benton's presence only seemed to make heavier. I wish she would talk to me. I would rather hear what is wrong directly from her rather than hear anything from the gossip chain that was so very active in the ER more than anywhere else in the hospital. Poor Jeanie, I hope that it's nothing too bad. And deep down I think I know what's wrong. A penetrating chest trauma came through the doors today and she completely backed off. Someone needed to steady the piece of glass protruding from his chest and she was the one I asked to do it. Peter wasn't impressed and Jeanie refused point blank to go anywhere near the sharp object before promptly leaving the room with the excuse of feeling sick. I'm still doubtful. Before leaving I got her to promise to see me tomorrow so that we could talk as friends instead of boss and employee.

Now though, I'm trying desperately to sleep. I'm sitting here with my journal and pen in my hands which really isn't helping, but what else can I do? Read a book, watch television or do paperwork, none of which are really all that appealing tonight so I think I'll just curl up and let my brain fantasise. Definitely not something that I would admit to doing to anyone.

I guess I'm getting used to this keeping a journal thing. Although reading back, some things are cringe worthy...

11th October 1996

There's not too much to write about today, other than the short time I spent with Jeanie. She's HIV positive. I knew my gut was trying to tell me something. I feel for her and it must be so very hard for her to deal with it all on her own. She's much stronger than what I would be. Poor Jeanie. But I'm glad she decided to stay at work. The worst thing to do is stop living and let the disease overtake your life. I came so close to that myself when I started high school. I would never want anyone to go through an illness of any great magnitude on their own.

I'm behind Jeanie 100% in anything that she chooses to do. I'll help her in anything she asks me to do and I will protect her job with as much vigour as I can. I just hope to God that my hand isn't forced in any way that would damage our friendship or her career.

Who knows what Romano and Anspaugh will say when they eventually catch wind of this. Or even Mark who is going to be crazy when he finds out that this was kept from him. It'll be an interesting day when that happens.

To Be Continued...


	20. Last Call

**-Chapter Twenty-**

**-Last Call-**

17th October 1996

Chaos! Absolute and utter chaos! And guess who was at the centre of it...Doug Ross. What a surprise! I swear that bloody man is gonna be the death of me some day. That is, if I haven't killed him and hidden his body first.

He had the audacity to bring in the woman he had spent the night with. Admittedly she was having a seizure, so I guess that bit wasn't entirely his fault, but then it was. He's a doctor and he didn't realise that she had left her medical bracelet in the car and as not only a doctor' but also and adult he should also know by now that drugs are unpredictable and cause severe damage to anybody, let alone the one of an epileptic woman. I was the attending to deal with the problem and I'm so glad that I was. I couldn't have dealt with Doug and was more than happy to leave Mark to it. After all, he is his friend. Lucky for him his drug test came back negative. I was peeved that Mark hadn't taken a urine sample to do get his alcohol blood level. I didn't want him anywhere near the ER let alone treating patients. I watched over him as he worked on a twelve year old gunshot victim. And he was only working it on Marks insistence.

But putting my anger and annoyance of Doug aside, I spent my lunch break with Jeanie. She hasn't been coping well lately and I wanted to give her some time out. And i needed it too. We had a good time over at Doc MaGoos just having a small meal and a coffee. We spoke about the little things like what had planned for Halloween and had a right laugh at our lack of love lives. It was wonderful while it lasted and Jeanie had perked right up by the time we had gotten back to the department. So much so that she agreed to dance with the nurses and a patients relative in chairs at the end of the shift. They had cleared a space large enough for them all and this relative, who was very good looking I may add, danced country with each and every one of them, but none more so than Jeanie. She was laughing and really having such a good time. I wish that I could have joined in. But dancing has always been one of those things that I have steered clear of, not wanting to be disappointed in my inability to dance well enough due to my damn hip and crutch.

Perhaps one day I'll find someone who will be prepared to hold be tightly while we dance to a slow song or two... *smiles dreamily*

To Be Continued...


	21. Ghosts

_**A/N: I'm so sorry for such the long wait on this once more. I have so many chapter written, but Real Life seems to persist in getting in the way. I do so hope that I still have people reading, if so, thanks! And I'm sorry once more x**_

* * *

-Chapter Twenty-One-

-Ghosts-

31st October 1996

Happy Halloween! I enjoy the celebrations of the day and work brings in endless cases of weird accidents and acts, and stories too. This was first Halloween shift here at County and I revealed in hearing all of the stories from Susan and occasionally Mark. And there were so many people that had turned up to be treated in their costumes and even some of the staffers had turned up in costume to celebrate. It was brilliant to see every one getting along with each other. Personally I enjoyed seeing the variety in what was coming through the doors and I appreciate that the staff wanted to jump at the chance to take part in the holiday, but professionally I've had to keep the boundaries. Our number one concern next to making the people that come to us better, is to make them feel comfortable with the team. And trying to treat someone while in a costume can cause problems, both practical and 'emotional'. Subtle clothing or accessories such as the pumpkin badges that I had pulled out of storage would work just fine, and did despite the moaning from the staffers. They're all intelligent people and I think that they understood what I was trying to get at.

Bloody maintenance! The lights were on the blink again and they didn't even show up in the department to fix the situation. But the flickering caused the ghost of the fifth floor story to circulate. It is a wonder. It's my first time of hearing it and it surprised me how realistic it sounded and also how many people told the story precisely the same as each other really did make me believe it for a short while. And I still kind of do in a small way I guess.

Still on the note of Halloween I thought I'd just make a brief note of my 'favourite' patient of the day. A man came in dressed as Frankenstein's Monster after being stabbed. The first trauma of the day, and one that will not leave me quickly. We had just cracked open his chest to try and revive him when a flash of lightening caused him to bolt upright with all the implements sticking from his chest. It took everyone to still him enough for me to stick him with the sedative. Blimey! It set the tone of the shift well.

The party that I have not long arrived home from was wonderful. Helah sang, by George has she got a good voice. I was more than happy just to stand and listen to her voice ring through the Jazz Note. I went as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. It shocked a few to see me there let alone seeing me dressed up. They quickly got over it though. They seem to have started to do that a lot lately. It's kind of comforting. Maybe I could leave my new hobby lying around once I've finished it….

Now, onto different matters. My research. I spend so much time on it and keep up to date with all of the medical journals that interest me. I make sure that any idea I have is as original as possible and that no other paper has been written before. Don very much likes many of my research ideas, the one that I've started working on involves the treatment of asthma. There is one that Don and I have agreed to disregard; the microbiology of puss. I do believe that Don mentioned it to Mark during their meeting, or at least the topic of research came up as Mark spent the rest of the shift trying to find something to write a paper on, and fast too by the look of things. I eventually took pitty on him and offered to co-write a paper with him. With Mark being the main named author. I'm not quite sure if he was thankful or pissed off that he couldn't seem to do it himself. Only time will tell. I'll speak to him about it tomorrow though and see what he has to say. If I don't write then we have ended up killing each other.

The ghost story:

In the 1930s a doctor was deeply, deeply in love with a beautiful intern, but he hadn't been able to pluck up the courage to tell her and ask her on a date. One day a rich, handsome patient asks her to marry him. The doctor is stood on the other side of the room and she looks to him for his opinion. He says nothing thinking that it is the right thing to do for her. She blew him their first and last kiss. It is said that it blew through him like a cold wind. The doctor fell out of the fifth story window shortly after. It is said that on Halloween, the day which he lost his love. He still haunts the fifth floor. And perhaps even roaming the rest of the hospital too.

To Be Continued...


	22. Union Station

_**A/N: Here's another chapter for you all :) Hope you're still enjoying this!**_

* * *

**-Chapter Twenty-Two-**

**-Union Station-**

21st November 1996

I am dearly going to miss Susan. Over the past weeks we have seemingly come to a middle ground and working with her has been a pleasure. She's a great doctor and a wonderful asset to the team. I hope she enjoys her time in Phoenix and that she makes the most of it. I was trying to hold on to her as tight as I could, but the pull of family is and always will be stronger than that of work, friends and colleagues, for even Mark couldn't convince her to stay. I would very much like to feel that way one day, as for me the pull of work is much stronger than that of the lonely house I currently keep. But with losing Susan I'm not going to be seeing much of it, and the other doctors aren't going to be seeing much of their families and homes either for a while. All of the attendings in the department have had to rearrange their vacation time to cover the large amount of shifts that Susan had been taking on. For the whole day I'd been organising Susan's leaving party in the doctor's lounge. I had everything ready for her and the team, a cake and banners, everything that you need for a great sending off, but before she got to enjoy it, a large trauma came in through the doors, dragging all of us away. She slipped away without saying her goodbye's. I really am going to miss her, we all will.

I'm concerned even more about Mark now though. With Susan about he had someone to keep him on the straight and narrow. She looked after him when he needed her and made sure that he could spend time with his daughter by covering his shifts. He's not looked well these past couple of days. I'm hoping it's just stress for his sake as well as the departments. He's going to be hard hit by Susan's departure. I'm going to keep an eye on him the best I can. But he won't listen to me if I try to intervene. I guess it's up to Doug Ross to make him see sense and help him out. I think that's wishful thinking on my part though.

It seems that today hasn't gone too well. And it only got better. Jeanie told me that she's gotten a divorce from Al. The poor woman, after everything she's been through she's now on her own too. I've invited her for dinner tomorrow. I'm going to make her have a good time.

But at least there was a little happiness in the department. The only call vicar married Lydia and Al in chairs. We all sat there and watch. We even had cake! If there's one thing that brings my mood up, it's cake. Of any sort. But chocolate is by far my favourite :-) . It was a great time for us all, no matter how seemingly brief it was during such a busy and down heartened day. And I think it was good for Susan too. She caught the bouquet of flowers in front of Mark. It may have been our last group gathering with her, but at least it was a good one. One where we have been celebrating rather than having a meeting discussing the down right boring. Clinical procedures are not something that shouldn't have be gone through on ones last day.

*sigh* The idea of a wedding sounds so good. Shame I can't picture the person standing next to me...

To Be Continued...


	23. Author's Note

Author's Note:

I know that you are all waiting for an update to this and I was hoping that there would be one. I am however, not abandoning this but re-writing it, extending the chapters and attempting to bring it away from the aired episodes a little more. I would fully appreciate _any _comments that you may have that will lend a hand in writing the new version to this, something which I have already started.

I'm sorry once more and hope to hear from some of you,

Sarry


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